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Fear of deprivation and a stuffed closet

April 11, 2011

I did a lot of laundry last week while the sun was shining because, well, in England you have to grab the chance to hang your clothes outside while you can.  All these nice clean clothes have been piled up on the floor, waiting to be put away, but I was too busy writing to do it.  I finally got around to it tonight and it was striking how much of an undertaking it was.

There is so much stuff in my closet that I simply cannot put all of the clothes into it.  My sock drawer is so stuffed that I had to pile some extra pairs on top of the dresser.  I enlisted a small unused suitcase to hold lingerie.  There is still a pile of cardigans on the bed and a bunch of things thrown over the back of the chair for the dressing table.  Oh, and a suit and a dress hanging on the back of the closet door.  In order to put what I could away, I first had to re-organize some of the drawers and shelves and sort out various items that have been randomly stuffed wherever they will fit.  I tried to weed through my shoes but I just couldn’t bring myself to put any of them in the donation box.

I don’t understand why I hoard clothes like this.  As I was working on putting things away it occurred to me that it seems that I am afraid of being deprived.  Why would I ever fear being deprived?  Although my family was by no means well off, we never went without anything that we truly wanted or needed.  We are frequent shoppers and good bargain hunters.  We always had enough food, shelter, heating, transportation, toys, love. Why have I struggled with both compulsive eating and borderline hoarding?

The only deprivation I might have felt is from my peers.  I have never had very many friends, and I still don’t.  In fact I couldn’t really say that I even have one or two close friends, because while I do have just a few people that I contact frequently and will talk about personal problems with, I don’t do this very often.  I’m often very awkward in social situations and find it hard to keep conversations going.

And I was bullied, and usually the target of class jokes.  This may be one of the biggest underlying issues for me.  That feeling of total rejection, with everyone laughing at me, still haunts me.  I’m not really sure how this translates into a closet that is frustratingly stuffed with clothing that I find impossible to let go of.  But I really think I need to do something about it.


From → Closet, Fat, Mental, Organizing

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